Where Ya Been?

I’m sorry I haven’t been around to post anything new. The fact that I haven’t posted an article in three months probably explains how our readership dropped from 200 a day to 20 a day. Sorry, real life can be a real pain sometimes! Hopefully, I’ll start writing again soon but I can’t promise anything!

Losing My Religion

All REM references aside, religion has caused pandemonium across the world since its creation. Religion has started wars, broke up families and slaughtered millions in the name of various Gods. Our entire society is founded on the principles laid down in the Holy Bible. Billions of people across the world look to the sky and silently ask their God for help in their darkest hour. I don’t buy a single word of any of it.

While I’m no atheist, I take serious issue with the religions of today be it Christian, Muslim or Catholic. Alluding to the lyrics of John Lennon, can you imagine if there was no heaven or hell for people to fear. I’m sure many would claim that the world would erupt into the largest display of decadence hereto seen. However, I offer a different point of view. People are going to do what they choose to do regardless of the consequences; be it jail or some fiery hole below us. Whoever created us gave us the ability to reason and choose our own morals. And because of that, humanity should strive in itself to be better individuals…not because an invisible God and ancient text tell them to do so.

I view the Holy Bible as a sort of morbid Aesop’s Fable. Baring everything else, the sheer amount of people that God killed in the Bible is staggering. I read almost the entire Bible during my brief stay with the Christian youth group Straightway and I found God to be more of a petulant child than an all-knowing Father. God is far from a kind and loving man, rather he is a rampant megalomaniac that slays individuals for the slightest indiscretion.

As this article may come across as angry and pointed, I will interject here to elaborate on faith. I honestly believe that faith has helped humanity in unimaginable ways, even if it is an intangible placebo. I understand that, given our small stature in this grand universe, we must look to something in order to convince ourselves that there is a better place, a master plan for us all. Without faith, a large part of humanity feels that they have no reason to go on living. Faith is a powerful and potent tool and I am loathe to try to take that away from anyone.

I suppose I am writing this because it is just hard for me to fathom how much stock my fellow men put into religion. My main issue there is that you can’t pick and choose which parts of religion you wish to follow. It doesn’t work like that. Having sex before marriage? You’re violating your religion. I laugh on the inside when I see that my friends have constructed some sort of archaic “custom” religion that suits themselves. They follow the parts of the Bible and “God’s word” that they want to and attend church on the rare occasion they feel like it and, in their mind, they have fulfilled their obligations to their Lord. I’ve got news for you, if there is an afterlife, I doubt the powers-that-be will take too kindly to your a la carte religion.

I just hope that people will begin to think. I want individuals to be good people because they are good people, not because an invisible God or book told them to be. I believe if someone is a bad person, and only keeps those bad actions inside because of religion, then he/she is still a bad person.

Once again, I must state that I am not an anarchist, atheist, agnostic, pagan, wiccan, pacifist, or any other slanderous term that will no doubt come my way. I am a deist and believe in a creator. I am a Freemason and believe there was a Great Architect. However, I am wholeheartedly against the logical fallacy that is religion and those that would force it on others. I am against those that would bend religion to fit their own goals and, in the process, hurt others. I am for a world united in the common goal of good morals and sound ethics. I constantly think of the biblical story of Babylon’s Tower and how God scattered mankind and cursed each with a different language to stop them from easily communicating with each other. What sort of holy father would do that?

Fat Kid Friday: SmartOnes Edition

So, as some of you may know, I officially began my diet over a week ago. I don’t advise eating frozen dinners often during a diet. Processed food is never something that should enter your mind as you seek to drop pounds. However, with that being said, we all live in the real world and sometimes we’re just too damn busy (or tired) to cook something good. This is where you’d usually turn to fast food or takeout. While these frozen meals are still not the healthiest (check below for my rants on their sodium levels), they are infinitely better for you than even a large order of fries (500 calories) or 5 pc Chicken Tenders (660 calories).

SmartOnes™  Salisbury Steak & Macaroni Cheese
Calories: 280
Grams of Fat: 8
Sodium: 840 mg

I began this meal by eating the  food I felt would taste most like “normal” food: Mac & Cheese. It didn’t fail to disappoint nor did it blow away my tastebuds. The noodles themselves are a tad overcooked (most likely the result of being steamed in the microwave) and the cheese is lackluster. However, it was not horrendous. I would say it reminded me of very average “cafeteria” mac & cheese.

Next I slowly turned to the steak. I’m almost always terrified of trying any meat from a frozen dinner. Perhaps it is just my paranoia, or maybe it is because an old roommate once gave me a turkey Hungry Man dinner that kept me on the toilet for the entire night. As far as deep frozen meat goes, the salisbury steak is actually pretty edible. As is the case with all Weightwatcher meats, it does have sort of a cardboard flavor to it, but hidden beneath that you begin to taste the undertones of high school bliss: salisbury. The gravy makes this hunk of beef borderline orgasmic (in Weightwatcher-food-terms of course…) and manages to add quite a bit of flavor to the meal.

Overall, I feel that Weightwatchers tried very hard to bring this meal into their lineup. It tasted a bit like it needed just a few more refinements, but the effort was there. However, I can’t really justify eating something containing over 800 mg of sodium on a regular basis.

SmartOnes™ Swedish Meatballs & Pasta Noodles
Calories: 270
Grams of Fat: 5
Sodium: 730 mg

When I first opened the package, I instantly thought “There is no way in hell this is going to satisfy my hunger today.” Nestled in a frozen bed of wide ribbon pasta noodles sat six medium sized meatballs. As I’ve already stated, I’m almost always leary of frozen dinner meat. However, I bravely dug into the meatballs first and was delightfully surprised to find that they were delicious. Each little morsel tasted like a homecooked meatball with just a touch of something sweet added to it. I don’t want to say it was sugar, but it was certainly enough to give it that something extra.

The noodles, while mainly in the dish as filler, were steamed just right in the microwave and came out neither tough nor mushy. The entire entree was covered in a “savory cream sauce,” the ingredients to such I know not, which was also very tasty. Not too salty, not too bland, just enough to add some yumminess to the meal.

Thus far, this meal has been my favorite. I’m still concerned with the amount of sodium in these meals, considering a Big Mac from McDonald’s contains 1040 mg of sodium. A couple hundred mg isn’t really that big of a dip to warrant spending the extra money on these meals.

SmartOnes™ Ravioli Florentine
Calories: 250
Grams of Fat: 5
Sodium: 720 mg

Up to this point, the ravioli florentine has been the most boring meal I’ve consumed. The meal consisted of perhaps 10 medium sized raviolis stuff with ricotta cheese. Surrounding my tender pasta friends was a “hearty” spinach marinara sauce. And by “hearty,” I’m assuming they mean “overwhelming.” I could barely find some of the ravioli pieces as large hunks of spinach jealously hid them from me. I’m not a huge fan of Popeye’s munchies, but I’m not against it either…in moderation.

This meal was less filling than previous ones, most likely because I didn’t eat most of the marinara and spinach. The ricotta cheese was lackluster and didn’t have any sort of real taste, just a sandy texture. I, personally, did not like this meal and probably won’t give it another shot. However, as I stated above, spinach isn’t exactly my favorite food so your mileage may vary.

SmartOnes™ Meatloaf & Mashed Potatoes
Calories: 250
Grams of Fat: 8
Sodium: A staggering 880 mg

Ironically, this meatloaf was so awful I ended up making real meatloaf for dinner later that night. I began, as is my usual style, with the mashed potatoes. While the box claimed them to be “garlic & herb,” I only tasted the garlic. That isn’t to say the ‘taters were bad, in fact they were the only highlight of this meal. The potatoes were creamy without being runny or chunky and the garlic did not overpower the natural taste of potato either.

I moved on to the brown chunk the box claimed was meatloaf. I found nary a piece of stuffing while cutting open my meat. I tried one piece without gravy. The meat was hard to chew as it was irredeemably dry. For round 2, I drowned the meatloaf in a hefty portion of the provided gravy. At first, I thought this was going to make everything zen. However, as I chewed, the gravy virtually evaporated in my mouth leaving me with yet another dried up hunk of beef tiring my jaw.

I was highly disappointed with this meal overall. I think Weightwatchers has shown they can make a good frozen meat, but this one slipped under the radar. Or they have Lassie doing the tastetesting. I could possibly live with the cardboard taste of the meat for a 1/4 cup more gravy in the bowl, but the mindboggingly high 880 mg of sodium means I’ll probably never touch this meal again.

-Chad 2

Book Review: The Last Lecture

I stumbled upon The Last Lecture a few months ago while I was perusing Amazon’s best sellers list. I briefly read through the synopsis and bought the book immediately. The Last Lecture is quite literally the last lecture given by a brilliant Carnegie Mellon professor named Randy Pausch. The difference between Dr. Pausch’s lecture and every other teacher’s is that Randy is dying. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (which has an absurdly-high mortality rate) and given roughly six months to live. The lecture was given near the end of his life and recorded by a student. Pausch, along with a friend, transcribed and edited it to create The Last Lecture.

I so dearly wanted to be moved by this book. I bought it for that exact reason. I wanted something that made me go “Good God! I need to go live my life to the fullest!” Unfortunately, I felt anything but moved after finishing Pausch’s last words. The Last Lecture is basically a memoir left behind for the loved ones Randy was about to leave. It traces his life from childhood to his present situation.

While Pausch is not a bad writer, much of the text comes across as inarticulate and drab. I would image, however, that if one had attended the actual lecture, it would’ve had a greater impact. There are a few nuggets of wisdom here and there (eg: “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.”), but for the most part the story was dull and uninspired. Though I hate myself for doing it, I must say that I believe the popularity of this book is only due to Dr. Pausch’s death. If I were to write a book like this, I guarantee you that it would never touch the best seller’s list, much less achieve national acclaim.

A few moments in the book made me stop and ponder for the briefest of seconds. For instance, Randy talks about how leaving behind his wife, Jai, and their three children (6 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months). Pausch cries in the shower when he thinks of the future his children will have. I can’t fathom what it must be like to know that you are going to die in three months. To have to see the people you love every day and know that your time with them is swiftly coming to an end.

From what I gathered from the book, Dr. Pausch was a great man and will be sorely missed by hundreds, if not  thousands, of people. The legacy he left behind is so grandiose in his field of study that I doubt a lackluster book such as The Last Lecture would do much to stain it. I would recommend this book only if you can get it for a good price (the copy I got was an astronomical $16.95 for 200 pages).

-Chad 2

Here Comes the Bride

My wedding is just around the corner. 53 days to be exact. Which is one of the reasons I haven’t been on to update lately. Or at all for that matter. My sincerest apologies. Anyway, I was perusing the internet, as usual, when I stumbled across an article detailing odd wedding customs. Being the benevolent writer I am, I decided to share them with you. Enjoy!

Blackening the Bride – Scotland

The Scottish tradition of “Blackening the Bride” begins when the bride is taken by surprise and covered with all sorts of horrid substances such as rotten eggs, feathers, etc. After this important ritual, the future bride is then paraded throughout town so everyone can get a good laugh. They don’t even say why exactly.

Log Sawing – Germany

At least this one has nothing to do with poo. After our lovely German couple is married, a log is placed on two sawhorses. The newlyweds must then saw it in half, representing how they will work together to solve all problems during marriage.  Alright.

Mehindi – India

I have to admit, this one is kind of cool. The bride-to-be will begin her new life soon and, as such, is to be treated like a princess. Skilled artisans painstakingly coat the bridge’s arms and legs in intricate patterns.

Coins – Sweden

Another unique tradition, the Swedes believe placing coins in the bride’s shoes is good luck. A silver coin for dear ol’ dad goes in the left shoe and a gold coin for mom in the right shoe.

Break Stuff – Italy

The Italians believe that a groom must carry a piece of iron in his pocket to ward off evil spirits. This is also what they believe the purpose of a veil for the bride is. After the wedding, the newlyweds shatter a vase and count the pieces. Those pieces represent how many years they will be married for.

Both Feet – Ireland

The Irish, apparently, believe in fairies. And apparently these fairies are jerks. The legend goes that if a newly-married bride’s foot leaves the dance floor, fairies will rush in and steal her away. I would totally pay to see that. Well, not my bride, but you get the point.

-Chad “Will Try to Update More” 2

I Want An iMac So Bad…

Back in the day, I used to be one of the biggest Windows Fanboys you could imagine. I loathed the thought of an iMac and their uptight owners. I thought buying one of these was as stupid as purchasing a $40.00 bottle of water. I started my new job in March of 2008. The first time I walked into my office, I saw that abomination sitting on my new desk and shook my head. Luckily, my boss was more than happy to let me purchase and build my own PC.

Fast forward a year.

I can’t hardly stand using my PC. I have quickly learned to hate Vista and XP. Maybe just Windows in general. It is so sluggish and virus prone that I become enraged with it daily. I am a multitasker through and through. I must be clicking through my Outlook inbox while iTunes roars Evans Blue in the background and a 500MB file is rendering in Illustrator. This is next to impossible with my PC (even decked out with a quad core and 4GB of ram).

At work I use a 24″ iMac and I’m purely infatuated with it. The OS is unbelievably superior to anything I’ve used in the past. The programs run clean and, once you get used to it, everything else does as well. In fact, I’m not quite sure how I managed without an iMac. I imagine if you’re just going to plunk around on the internet and occasionally download some music, a PC is right up your alley. But the iMac is just soooooooooo much better.

After rereading this post, I realized that there was no actual substance to it. I just wanted the world to know that I crave an iMac like a fat kid craves cake. I just got a $2000 tax refund and I am battling with myself on whether or not to purchase one. On one hand, that money could be better put towards bills. On the other hand…..

-Chad 2

Bathroom Banaza

I can’t function in the morning unless I have a blistering hot shower. And when I say hot, I want that thing to be like fucking lava. By the time I exit the shower, I have the heat wrenched all the way over until it won’t go any further while the cold is completely off. It doesn’t matter if it is 90 degrees or -12, I want scorched skin. As I was soaping up (easy ladies!) one morning, I began to wonder where soap came from. I know Fight Club would have you think it was made of human fat, but strangely I find this might be a stretch. I therefore decided it would be my mission to discover the history and actual use of some everyday bathroom products I use.

While we’re on the subject of bathrooms I have a quick tangent: toilet seats. Why do we, as men, have to put them down? Isn’t just as sexist that we have to put them up when we want to piss (baring impeccable aim, that is). I feel this is an injustice to the male species and should be rectified immediately with the introduction of Steak and Blowjob Day, set to take place every February 15th. I believe a petition is in order….

Back to the topic at hand.

Toothpaste: The first references of the use of toothpaste date back to the 4th century in Egypt where a mixture of salt, pepper, mint leaves and iris flowers was used to cleanse the mouth. Other than the Egyptians, everyone else pretty much used a mixture of power and urine to make toothpaste. Some Native Americans used tree stems to brush their teeth while still others used simple rags. The first commercial toothpaste can be traced to roughly 1866 in Britain (go figure) and was made of crushed brick and/or charcoal. Not surprisingly, this concoction did more harm than good.

By 1900, the paste we know and love today was finally created. A Dr. Washington Sheffield marketed his scrumptious paste in a collapsible tube that failed to catch on until well after World War I. In 1914, fluoride was added to toothpastes and was immediately rejected by the American Dental Association (oops!). Oh how I pine for the days of yore when a man could get a nice toothpaste with a sweet batch of urine in it. Sigh. By the way, what about bacon-flavored toothpaste? Think about it.

---

Soap: Crushing toothpaste by about 2,000 years, the earliest mention of soap was in Babylon around 2800 B.C. where a clay tablet featuring a formula for soap was found (mix water, alkali and cassia oil…whatever all that shit is). Sometime later, say 1550 B.C., it is revealed that the Egyptians bathed regularly using a soap made from a combination of animal and vegetable oils with alkaline salts.

Fast forward to the Roman Empire. Legend has it that soap derives its name from a story in which Romans sacrificed animals on top of Mount Sapo. Rain would then send a mix of animal tallow (fat) and wood ash down the mountains and into the clay soil on the river banks. Eventually, women noticed it was easier to clean clothes with this “soap.” However, a more logical story states that the word soap was derived from the latin word sapo which simply means soap. No shit.

Nowadays, us civilized 1st worlders use a form of soap known as Castile soap. It is made solely from vegetable oil (namely olive oil). Besides, who wants to wash with animal fat. What the hell were they thinking?

---

Shaving Cream: Just when I thought it’d be obvious for soap to be the oldest recorded product in my bathroom, I am proved wrong. A rudimentary form of shaving cream, created from wood alkali and animal fat (yum!), was documented in Sumer (modern-day Iraq) around 3000 B.C. And then….that is pretty much it. From what I’ve been able to find out about shaving cream, it was basically nonexistent until fairly recently. Most men used soap to lather up before a shave. It wasn’t until the late 1980’s that shaving cream and gel succeeded in a widespread market.

Believe it, or not, I’ve been shaving for almost a decade and I just recently found out one of the true purposes of shaving cream. I always thought it was to lubricate the razor so it doesn’t hurt like all hell to shave. While that is partially true, the cream is actually used to hold your facial hair in place so that you can get a clean shave. This is so ridiculously simple that I’m shocked I didn’t figure this out on my own. Of course, I guess I’d have to care to actually think about the purpose of it, but now we both know.

---

Cologne: If you want to get technical, the correct term is Eau De Cologne. Though if you called it that to my face, I’d probably think you were a pompous douchebag. This manly perfume originated in Cologne, Germany sometime around 1709. Making cologne is a pretty simple process in itself. You suspend essential oils (flowers, citrus, etc) in a solution which in turn produces an aroma. Think of it as a bodily air freshner. It is the details that make cologne creation difficult. Getting that right blend of oak and citrus can sometimes take years for manufacturers. I am currently an addict of LaCoste’s Essential and believe me, it makes me smell delicious.

And yes, that is a real cologne ad. From Europe, of course. You don’t think we’d get away with that do you?

---

I’m not exactly sure why this post turned into SexFest 2009. Maybe the thought of all the nekkidness involved in bathing got me all randy. Regardless, I may have went overboard on the sexuality for this one.

-Chad 2

Carolina – Raise Up!

The Carolina Panthers took on the division rival Tampa Bay Buccaneers last night and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Given how the Cardiac Cats had played against the Raiders and Lions, I was anything but confident about a victory. John Fox led his team to a 38-23 win and 1st place in the NFC South as DeAngelo Williams and rookie Jonathon Stewart combined for 300 rushing yards. 300 yards. Against the venerated 4th ranked Bucs defense, this was no small feat. Carolina controls their own destiny now as they face Denver, New York (G) and New Orleans for their final three games. If they win out, Carolina will have its first-ever number 1 seed in the playoffs. I’m pumped. I can’t even truly say how awesome this season has been thus far. Keep on pounding!!!!