Book Review: Ocho Cinco

“My life is good. It’s sweet, so sweet. Roll up to my place in Plantation, Florida, and that’s easy to see. Right there in the circular driveway that wraps around the fountain in my front yard you get the first taste.

Wait a second, I gotta let you in the front gate first. It’s a gated community and all. But once you’re in and riding by my huge-ass house on an acre of land, you can see what I’m saying. Parked in front are seven sweet-ass cars. One for every day of the week. I don’t like to get bored, you know?”

This is how Chad Ochocinco’s book Ocho Cinco: What Football and Life Have Thrown My Way begins.

And it doesn’t get much better the next 259 pages. I originally requested that my wife buy me this book because slowly, but surely, Chad Ochocinco (a wide receiver with the Cincinnati Bengals) has won me over as a fan. His antics on the field are legendary and I felt like it would be interesting to read more about who he was and where he came from.

What I ended up getting was a hardcover diatribe about how great Chad Ochocinco (formerly Johnson) really is. There were entire sections dedicated to how amazing he is. For instance, one chapter deals almost solely with a three game span in 2006 that Ochocinco had where he posted NFL record stats. Supposedly, underlying all of this was his frustration with losing while he was putting up such huge numbers. While I understand what he was trying to say, four paragraphs of how great you were versus one paragraph of “…but it didn’t matter because we lost…” doesn’t really get your point across. If it didn’t matter, then why ramble about it for so long.

Ochocinco also manages to create a disjointed book in that he changes gears as though you were having a conversation with him, not reading a book. For example, he can be in the middle of raving about how good he is, only to pause to ruminate on something else football related, and then transition back to the original train of thought by saying something like “Anyway, as I was saying…”

Ochocinco is an abject lesson in self-aggrandizement. I understand that he has a huge ego, but the need to gather up dozens of coaches and players around the NFL to submit articles writing about how you “can’t be covered” or how “misunderstood” you are is in poor taste. It took me, literally, a month to force my way through this book. I had to consciously stop myself from skipping ahead in a bid to finish this atrocity. Ochocinco’s book is so bad, is has disuaded me from reading any sports biography for a while. I need time to read something excellent like World War Z to get the taste of Ochocinco: What Football and Life Have Thrown My Way out of my mouth.

-Chad 2

Currently Reading
Dan Brown’s Lost Symbol

Graphic Design Hell: Polymerica

In the course of being a freelance designer, I’ve run across all types of people. Today, I got to add “complete asshole” to my list.

A little backstory: About six months ago, I designed a brochure for Polymerica at the behest of the leader of my Freemason Lodge. I was happy that Dan, the Worshipful Master, had come to me with this project. I’m very picky when it comes to choosing clients I freelance for; one of the few perks of having a day job and freelancing on the side. At any rate, the project went off without a hitch and I was paid on time.

Back in late November of 2009, Dan again came to me with a wide array of new projects: two brochures and three banner stands. Again, I was more than happy to get a new contract. I sent him an estimate and then made arrangements to come to his house for a meeting. I generally avoid meetings because they suck up so much time. In this digital age, I personally believe meetings can be a huge waste of resources and only harken back to a forgotten time.

I worked on the project for about a week and then sent Dan proofs. Three rounds of revisions later (though only originally quoted for two rounds)….and he falls off the face of the planet. I didn’t hear anything back for almost two weeks and I was beginning to get nervous. You see, since I considered Dan a close personal friend and fellow Mason, I didn’t make him pay me up front. Finally, last week, I received a boatload of changes to make and was informed that they decided against doing the popups. I let Dan know that I was still going to have to charge for the design of the popups. Granted, they weren’t going to use them, but I was contracted to design something and I designed it. Why should I suffer just because they’ve changed their mind? He replied “Thats fine, I understand.”

Apparently, not everyone did.

Around noon today, I received a phone call from a gentlemen named John who happens to be the President of Polymerica. Dan had already let me know that John was going to be calling about the project. I was already dreading the conversation because I was envisioning a myriad of changes were about to be made to my designs as is often the case when “Presidents” and “owners” get involved.

What I got was a 30 minute asschewing over things that weren’t my fault to begin with. For starters, the man uses quite a lot of profanity. Now, I cuss as much as any ol’ sailor, but not to clients and definitely not during what should be considered a “professional conversation.” I let John ramble on and rant about the things he didn’t like in the brochure. I didn’t really care to listen that intently because I assumed I was going to have change my design anyway and I’m quite used to people who have no design background talking out of their ass. For instance, he was enraged that there was a space between the address and the website URL stating that “thats just fucking stupid…why not make both bigger and use up that space.” Don’t even get my started on the rest of what he said. John basically wanted me to break every design principle in the book. Yet again, something I’m used to.

Sidebar: After six years of designing, I’ve learned that there are many people who aren’t going to trust you as a designer. They want things to look the way they want them to, regardless of the fact that it usually turns the design into something I wouldn’t hesitate to wipe my ass with. That is where you, as a designer, must simply go into “if you like it, I like it” mode. Yes, I know that sounds awful, but if you try to convince your client that their changes are ruining the design, you’ll just go crazy. So, I make sure I keep those projects out of my portfolio and move on.

Anyway, back to John’s rant. He’s still going, I’m still not listening. If he really wanted to vent, maybe he should’ve called the people who sent me the original copy changes and photos to include. Finally, he gets to where this whole thing is going: “And this invoice…I’m not paying you $150 for banner stands that we didn’t use. I didn’t even see what work you did, if you even did any work on them. If you already printed them, thats your fault. You need to completely redo this invoice and chop it way down if you even want to get paid. Or you can sue me, which I doubt you’ll do. If you have a problem with any of this, call your attorneys. *click*”

I just sort of sat there looking at my cellphone. I was shocked about what had just taken place. This man, John, supposedly a President of a decent-sized business just laid a profanity-laced oral beatdown on me and concluded it by saying, quite frankly, that he wasn’t going to pay my invoice. Now, I’m left having to file a small claims suit against him. Generally, I’d just let it go, but the guy was such a heinous dickhead that he’s made it personal now. I intend to get every penny I’m owed, plus court costs, from him and then make sure to let everyone I’ve ever worked with know to stay away from Polymerica. Rather than pay me the $300 I’m rightfully owed, John instead hopes that bullying me into just running away and forgetting this ever happened will work.

Well, it won’t. I don’t care if it takes a year, I’m going to get my money. I want to make them tie up resources. Even if I lose, it will be $75 well spent to be a thorn in the side of a man who thinks treating people like that is okay.

-Chad 2

Create Your Own Rock Band Tracks

Harmonix continues to up the bar with their Rock Band franchise. Coming “later this year,” Harmonix has announced that the average Joe Schmoe will be able to create and upload songs to Rock Band. Some of you may be wondering what the big deal is as Rock Band already has a music creation mode.

This is different.

Artists will be able to upload their song masters and convert them to Rock Band-ready tracks. A website has already been launched promoting the so-called Rock Band Network. In addition to a $99/yr membership fee, users will also receive software that will help them convert music into downloadable content via the Xbox360 or PS3.  The best part of this whole equation? Artists get paid. You read that right. Artists will receive 30% of all sales generated from their track which they may list at $1, $2, or $3. The average song on Rock Band is downloaded around 50,000 times. Even at 30% profit, an artist/band would stand to make roughly $15,000. Granted, most musicians are not going to get their tracks downloaded 50,000 times, it is an interesting point to ponder.

A whole slew of other questions will arise as the RBN hits full stride in 2010. For instance, will record labels be more attracted to bands using this system or less attracted? From a marketing standpoint, how will the industry get their cut from this? Is RBN a way of foregoing the battle against piracy and simply choosing a different method to make money from music?

I’m excited to see the system in action and anxious to sample some of its offerings.

-Chad 2

Dredg: The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion Review

Dredg
The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion
Release Date: June 9, 2009

The first thing you’ll realize about Dredg is the pure and unadulterated talent of vocalist Gavin Hayes. Formed in 1993, Hayes and company have flown under the corporate radar as they released four albums that crush anything else I’ve heard up to this point. As with their previous releases, Dredg once again manages to combine an aggressive sound with visceral, thoughtful lyrics and beautiful musicianship.

I definitely wouldn’t use words such as “catchy” or “radio-friendly” with Dredg though I would wager that many people will walk away with that impression upon first listen. Dredg isn’t really a band you can listen to once and pick up all their subtleties. Dino Campanella plays his drums with quiet abandon. Often, his technique and expertise gets swallowed up by the twangy guitars and audible bass lines.

Some critics and fans have complained that Dredg didn’t seek to think outside of the proverbial box with this release as they once did with their second studio album, El Cielo. I believe the band is simply pushing forward and maturing as a group. When not producing instrumentals that sound as though they’d be more at home in a Tim Burton film, Dredg proves to fan and casual listener alike that they truly love making music. And in that love they illustrate their profound ability to produce music. The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion is one of the few albums I’ve ever listened to that managed to engulf me completely and utterly. You owe it to yourself to buy this album.

-Chad 2

I’m Officially Disturbed

So, around 7:30 this morning I checked the stats of my beloved blog. I noticed I already had 18 views which seemed odd given how early it was in the day. I then checked to see what search terms are bringing all these views my way:

I’m glad that so many of you are searching for Avatar porn but it makes me worry about the human race. How many of you out there really want to see 9ft tall cat people boob? I know there are some wild fetishes out there, and to each their own, but really? Avatar porn? Don’t ruin a good movie by being any lamer than some of you already are….

-Chad 2

Book Review: Blameless in Abaddon

Blameless in Abaddon, the sequel to Morrow’s award-winning Towing Jehovah, delivers the exact same level of humor, oddities and religion as the first book. Contrary to what we were lead to believe in Jehovah, God is in fact not dead–he is in a coma.

In addition, God’s body is no longer under the control of the Vatican. After falling on hard times, the Catholic regime was forced to sell His body to the Baptist Federation. They have, in turn, made the corpus dei into the main attraction at a new amusement park dubbed Celestial City. If you are already offended, you should probably leave now.

Our protagonist, Martin Candle, enters the book as an eclectic justice of the peace before suffering the death of his wife and the onset of terminal prostate cancer. In true Jobian fashion, Candle decides to fight back against a God he believes has caused endless pain and countless (needless) deaths across the world. After a short struggle, Candle is able to convince the International World Court to hear International 227 Martin Candle vs. God.

Hidden amongst the satire, Candle outlines some very real theodicies concerning our purported creator. Pondering defenses such as “hidden harmony,” lovingly stated as “It is not okay for a father to molest his daughter all Winter as long as he plans on taking her for ice cream in the Spring.” Thought the analogy might be crude, Morrow uses several such analogies to explain theodicies that have been fought over for millenia.

Though considerably long-winded in some sections, and lacking the outright surprises and excitement of Towing Jehovah, Morrow has weaved himself an excellent sequel. The ending will surprise, and possibly alarm, you. As I stated somewhat in my review of Towing Jehovah, do not read this if you’re a biblethumper with no sense of humor. Not only is this satire amusing, it poses some questions about religion and God that every man, woman and child should be asking themselves.

-Chad 2

Currently Reading:
Nothing!! Suggestions? (and God help the first asshole that says Twilight)

Book Review: Towing Jehovah

In preparation for finishing the sequel to Towing Jehovah, I figured there would be no better time than the present to write a review of James Morrow’s first book. One thing we should clear up first: If you are a bible-thumper with absolutely no sense of satire or humor….stay away from James Morrow. However if, like me, you find religion extremely amusing and like to see it exploited for laughs (a la Dogma) by all means, keep reading!

The story begins with the tragic tale of Captain Anthony Van Horne, former captain of a gigantic oil tanker that suffered an Exxon Valdez-esque spill. Van Horne is approached by one of God’s angels and presented with the task of towing the two-mile corpse of God across the ocean. God the Almighty has, for inexplicable reasons, died and plummeted to Earth, splashing down at 0 degrees latitude, 0 degrees longitude. The angels have constructed Him a tomb in the Arctic. Where, obviously, Van Horne is expected to tow the Corpus Dei.

Though the book is filled with satire, it is not a knee-slapping, guffaw type of humor. Rather, Morrow weaves in slight observations of humanity at the turn of the century that are poignant and amusing. A great deal of the book focuses on a world that knows no God, albeit it a world contained within the crew of Van Horne’s oil tanker. One particular scene in the book finds the crew warring with themselves over whether or not they have anything left to obey as the full gamut of the 10 Commandments are broken. Morrow further expounds on this idea as the Vatican is thrown in upheaval and all the Atheists suddenly realize they were wrong.

If you can get over the fact that God is dead, and manage to not find it sacrilegious, then I highly recommend Towing Jehovah. Even if you are a “believer” I urge you to read it for no other reason than to pontificate on what the world would be like if God proved his existence by dying.

-Chad 2

(Still) Currently Reading:
Blameless in Abaddon by James Morrow

Yo! Michigan!

I rarely venture into downtown Akron. Even ignoring the loathsome parking situation, it is just an ugly little city. On the few occasions life forces me into this shithole metropolis, I try to keep my head down and just get whatever errand I’m running finished.

Thus, registering for my Spanish classes at the University of Akron found me hopelessly searching for a parking spot at 10 in the morning on a snowy 17 degree day. After circling the Polsky building like a frustrated shark, I ended up stashing my car at a meter on Main Street. Directly in front of some minute convenience store near a law office.

As I exited my car, I noticed there were 3-4 people milling about said store and internally groaned. You could just tell by looking at them that they probably weren’t the people you wanted to cut through. However, my mind raged that it was all just simple paranoia and I was not about to cross the street to bypass the group.

I should’ve crossed the street.

One thing I’ve heard about New York City is that you should always keep your head down and continue walking no matter what. So it was with that in mind that I stepped through the group. Of course, I heard someone say “Yo! Michigan!” (I was wearing a Michigan knitted hat) In Kent or the Falls, I’d usually turn around and find someone that was excited to see another Michigan fan in Ohio. I knew better in Akron.

As I continued walking, I heard “Yo, Michigan, I’m talkin’ to ya!” Now my predicament: Do I turn around and answer or keep walking? I decided to turn around (probably because I’m an idiot). A black woman in her thirties, who looked like she’d had a very rough time getting to her thirties, stepped towards me. “Ya got a cigarette boy?” Her three friends formed a semi-circle behind her and images of pigeons flocking to bread floated through my mind unbidden.

I forgot to mention, I was already smoking a cigarette. I stammered through an excuse about the aforementioned nic-stick being my last. At this point Gladis (we’ll call her) acted as though I’d just called her a whore or some other slander. The conversation went something like:

“What? Can’t give a n****r a cigarette? What you too good? I seen what car you drove up here in. Don’t act like you a fuckin’ broke n***a or something.” At first, I was kind of flattered that someone though my car meant I wasn’t broke, but then I remembered I don’t drive a Benz or BMW or Aston Martin.

“I…uh….I’m sorry,” I stammered as I tried to back away and turn to leave. At this point though, I began to seriously ponder the safety of my car. I began having flashes of a keyed and mangled car pop into my head.

“Gimme a fuckin’ cigarette ‘fore I get nasty.”

I was stunned into silence. I’ve never really been put in a situation like this. Oh, sure, there have been bar fights and whatnot but those were generally with middle-class college kids. I had no idea what this woman would do nor did I wish to find out. Her stooges were, likewise, in the background hurling things like “Get that muthafucka.” and “He got smokes! You know he do.” It was dialogue straight out of New Jack City.

An artist rendition of Gladis

I stood there, like a moron, surveying the situation and trying to figure out how the hell to get out of it. Then, like some Convenience Store Angel, the proprietor of the shop we were standing in front of came out (if I’m lying, I’m dying) with a BROOM. He literally “shoo’ed” the women away. I looked at the elderly man, his broom held as though it were a pike of old as he yelled “Go on! Get tha hell outta here!”

A few less-than-friendly words to me later, the women took off walking down the street (blissfully away from my car). I started to the thank the man but was met only with silence and a blank stare. A couple awkward seconds passed before he turned and left and I was on my way to the Polsky building again.The whole thing felt very much like 1950s Alabama or a bad race-relevant Lifetime movie.

I don’t do well in odd situations such as this. I would like to think that I’d be able to just yell back at them or walk away or something. I don’t know if it is because I’m ultra polite or what, but I simply wasn’t able to do anything other than stand slackjawed as the episode unfolded. Finally, I was able to register my classes and get back to my precious car to find nary a scratch (thankfully) on it.

-Chad 2

Please note: All you “AK-Rowdies” can just pass on the hatemail. I don’t care how cool you think your shit city or your kangaroo mascot is, I still hate it here.

Listen Up NFL: Time for a Change!

Dear NFL Teams:

You may not know this, but changing your uniforms can do wonders for your team. I know you love the colors and uniform you’ve worn for 200 years, but even the fans get tired of the same ol’ thing–especially if it is coupled with losing season after losing season. As a graphic designer, I find it appalling that so many teams have neglected to update their look. Some teams are rocking out in Calvin Klein while others are still stuck at Montgomery Ward’s. Follow me?

With that being said, let’s take a look at some NFL history to see what a new uniform can do for you. For instance, maybe a Superbowl or three? That is what happened to the New England Patriots. Prior to 1993, the Pats had played 33 seasons while winning only 3 division titles and making 6 playoff appearances; including a Superbowl showdown that didn’t result in a championship. With the arrival of Bill Parcels, the Patriots completely transformed their uniforms and in the next 17 seasons managed to net 9 division titles, 10 playoff appearances and 3 Superbowl victories.

Bucs Throwback: Or, as I like to call it, the Gay Pirate Look

Before 2002, the lowly Seattle Seahawks had managed just 2 titles and 5 playoff appearances in 26 seasons. After a complete revamping of their atrocious outfits, the mighty ‘Hawks landed themselves 4 division titles, 5 playoff runs and their first ever trip to a Superbowl, all within 6 years. Joining their west coast brothers, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers likewise only conquered their division twice in 21 seasons while making playoff appearances 3 times. In 1997, the Bucs wisely ditched their “Gay Pirate” uniforms and went on to crush their division 4 times, hitting the playoffs 7 times and winning their first ever Superbowl.

Okay, okay. So I’ve pointed out some bottom-of-the-barrel teams, but what about some perennial powerhouses?

The Broncos snazzy new uniforms.

The mighty Denver Broncos, in 37 seasons, made 11 trips to the playoffs while dominating their division 8 separate times. Amongst all of this glamorous winning, the Broncos also found time to make 4 Superbowl trips…and lose every single one. Then, in the summer of 1997, new uniforms were unveiled and, in the next 13 seasons, the Broncos made the playoffs 6 times on the road to 2 Superbowl championships.

Our final uniform change, in the most extreme of manners, are the Houston Oilers. For 39 seasons, the Oilers dominated their division–claiming the title 6 times. In those four decades, the Oilers also managed to make it to an astounding 15 playoffs. While impressive, they never even sniffed the proverbial “Big Show.” Fast forward to 1999 as the Oilers migrate to Tennessee and become the Titans. In just 10 seasons, they would capture 3 titles, make the playoffs 6 times and make the journey to their first ever Superbowl.

This Eagle's throwback was obviously designed by someone that was colorblind. Poor guy.

Now, as you may have noticed, I took nothing else into account while compiling this list. I didn’t look at the coaches, the star #1 draft picks, nothing. This was simply a comparison of uniform changes-to-improved seasons. As you are most likely already thinking, I readily accept that there are plenty of teams that haven’t changed their look for (literally) decades. The Pittsburgh Steelers have not touched their current design since 1968 and they have the most Superbowl rings of any team in history. Other examples, such as the Colts, exist in the NFL as well.

Detroit Lions Uniform Contest Submission

However, I believe that a new look can revitalize a team that has fallen into obscurity. Take the lowly Detroit Lions, who haven’t had a winning season in over a decade. Perhaps a change in their battle dress might be just what the doctor ordered. No matter their colors, fans always associate the uniform with the team. If Peyton Manning donned a Lions’ jersey, you’d have a slightly lesser opinion of him just because of the silver and blue he was wearing. No matter that he is, quite possibly, the greatest quarterback of our time…it’s the Lions. As I’ve shown above, sometimes a new look can spur a team on to victory. With a new identity, perhaps a lackluster football team can become a gridiron monster.

Seriously. Time for an update.

With that being said, I honestly believe that the teams in most dire need of a uniform revamp are as follows: Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions (obviously), San Francisco 49ers, and the Oakland Raiders. I, of course, understand that there is a certain amount of personal taste and bias that comes with these choices.

Broncos Throwbacks: Someone, somewhere, once thought this was a good idea.

Whatever your personal preference may be, I can’t help but argue that a new uniform will lead to a better team within a decade. Even if the whole thing ended up being a placebo effect. In a game where inches can decide the fate of your team, why would an owner not wish to make every effort possible assist his team in competing?

Post your most loved/hated uniforms in the comment section. Anyone else you think is in desperate need of a makeover?

-Chad 2

Movie Review: Generation Kill

Joining the ranks of other HBO hits such as The Sopranos, Band of Brothers and Sex & The City, Generation Kill stands as a genre-defining series that everyone should see at least once. Even if you are not an avid fan of so-called “war movies” the dynamic of these shows makes them accessible to anyone.

Generation Kill is based on a book written by Rolling Stone journalist Evan Wright. During the 2003 invasion of Iraq, Wright embedded with a platoon of Marines from the 1st Reconnaissance Battalion for two full months. While in Iraq, Wright was encouraged by the Marines he was with to write about everything that went on, even the potential “bad” stuff. The Marines didn’t want to appear as though they were modern-day Captain Americas nor did they wish to be viewed as Baby-Killing Monsters. In the first episode of the series, one soldier describes the Marines as “America’s Pitbull.” The metaphor could not be more apt.

The series is brutal, often filled with obscenities and military jargon (though it is surprisingly easy to figure out). Don’t expect to watch Generation Kill and come away with a warm, fuzzy feeling. It simply isn’t that sort of story. In addition, the sets and environments add no small dash of realism. If any of you have ever seen Band of Brothers, you can expect the same level of production and attention to detail in Generation Kill.

Alexander Skarsgård, portraying Gunnery Sergeant Brad “Iceman” Colbert, leads an impressive cast of virtual no-namers. You will most likely not recognize a single actor in Generation Kill save Lee Tergeson as journalist Evan Wright. The cast performs well with each other in their camaraderie, pestering, and infighting. On the whole, they truly appear as a unit that has trained, fought and bled together.

The series does have a dark side though: it is real. Well, as real as one could hope for. Due in no small part to this series, quite a few Marines were disciplined. Generation Kill does what no movie I’ve seen has, in that it shows some of the faults and mistakes of the American military. Usually known as a juggernaut composed of well-trained, highly-professional warriors, Generation Kill showed that there are always bad apples mixed in amongst true heroes. Characters such as “Encino Man,” a Captain that almost calls down artillery on his own men or “Captain America,” an officer that almost executes innocent Iraqi prisoners due to his own paranoia.

I’ve talked to a few true Iraqi War veterans about the series and they resoundingly agree that Generation Kill is about as realistic as you can get without going to Iraq. I felt that I was able to relate more to this series than Band of Brothers (one of my perennial favorites) because it actually happened during my time on this planet. While watching episode 1, my wife commented that the soldiers “looked really young.” And they are. They are our age and that, in itself, is a tad bit terrifying. You owe it to yourself and everyone that fought in the Iraqi War, to watch this series.

-Chad 2